How to Control Your Emotions: 15 Tips to Regain Control of Your Life

A key component in experiencing success in both your personal and professional life is how well you can control your emotions. You probably remember a moment in your life when you allowed your emotions to get the better of you. Regret and embarrassment were likely the outcomes, though with the right, mature mindset, correcting the mistake was straightforward. However, constant poor emotional control can be devastating. It can lead to failed relationships, stunted career growth, and even mental health issues like depression and anxiety. Knowing how to control your emotions can prevent these issues from taking hold.

Unfortunately, there are some people out there who believe mastering emotions is something beyond them. In their minds, they are merely the victims of the world around them. That’s not so, according to Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett, one of the world’s top researchers in psychology and neuroscience. As she writes in How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain, “Emotions are not reactions to the world. You are not a passive receiver of sensory input but an active constructor of your emotions.” This means you can control your emotions, but it requires a greater understanding of what you’re feeling and the knowledge to use the right strategies to promote proper emotional regulation.

In this article, learn why understanding your emotions is so important, along with tips on how to gain greater emotional control.

Understanding Your Emotions

A better understanding of emotions comes from developing greater emotional intelligence. This is the ability to not only understand but manage emotions effectively. The more emotional intelligence you have, the more you can control how you react while also empathizing with others. This is partly why a study from UC Berkeley found that emotional intelligence was a far better indicator of professional success than IQ.

When you can first identify what exactly you’re feeling, mastering emotions becomes easier. However, emotions can be a complicated subject. To better identify your emotions, refer to this emotions list. This list details psychologist Paul Ekman’s Seven Basic Emotions—the positive and negative emotions he theorized all people are born with.

The Seven Basic Emotions include:

• Anger
• Contempt
• Disgust
• Enjoyment
• Fear
• Sadness
• Surprise

You can also refer to the emotion wheel to identify what you’re feeling at any given moment. Developed by psychologist Robert Plutchik, the emotion wheel starts with basic emotions and goes into more detail with each one, helping people put a better name to what they’re feeling. 

How to Control Your Emotions

1. Identify What Triggers Emotional Responses

What makes you angry? What makes you happy? Events will occur in your life that lead to certain emotional responses. Knowing what events trigger which emotions will help you to figure out how to manage emotions more effectively. 

Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett explains how this works: “Your brain uses your past experiences to combine information from your body, such as a pounding heart, with information from the world, like the fact that you’re waiting in a doctor’s office for test results, to construct an emotion, such as anxiety.” If you know you’re in a situation that will prompt a certain reaction, you can prepare ahead of time to keep that emotion under control.

2. Take a Moment to Remain Calm

“Calmness is the cradle of power.” 

Josiah Gilbert Holland

Some events catch us by surprise and threaten a loss of control. When you feel overwhelmed in this way, take a moment to calm yourself. A space of ten seconds to regain composure can mark the difference between a reasoned reaction and an emotional outburst. 

One of the easiest ways to do this is to take deep, calming breaths. By doing this, you give yourself time to process what has happened and the best way to respond to it. Remaining calm helps you to clear your mind at the most opportune time.

3. Think About How Your Emotions Affect Others

Emotional control isn’t just about you—it involves other people and the impact you have on them. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that, which is why you should periodically take stock of your emotional responses and how they affect others. Write down the consequences of poor emotional control in your life. Some of these consequences might be fractured relationships with friends or a lack of trust at work. When you’re able to see the toll your emotions are taking on others, that can serve as additional motivation to bring about change.

4. Write in a Mood Journal

There are times when you don’t recognize a pattern of behavior until you write it down. With a mood journal, you can better identify what specific things trigger emotional responses. Mood journals work by writing down your feelings. This is an excellent way to increase self-awareness, but there are other benefits as well. Dr. James Pennebaker, a leading researcher and Chair of Psychology at the University of Texas, says journaling is a great treatment option for dealing with emotional damage and other forms of trauma.

5. See Things From Another Perspective

Intense emotional responses often stem from disagreements between yourself and others. In these situations, trying to see things from the other person’s point of view can be helpful. Whenever you disagree, it’s natural to cling to your opinion and refuse to consider anything else. 

Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett says that’s not the best way to do things when you have differing opinions from, for example, a friend. “Instead think, ‘We have a disagreement,’ and engage your curiosity to learn your friend’s perspective,” she writes in How Emotions Are Made. “Being curious about your friend’s experience is more important than being right.” Doing this teaches you how to process your emotions and those of others.

6. Accept What You Can’t Control

“One of the most rewarding and important moments in life is the moment you finally find the courage to let go of what you can’t change.”

Marc Chernoff

You may have an emotional reaction to certain situations that you simply can’t influence. When these occur, it’s often best to accept that something is beyond your control and there’s nothing you can do about it. Focus instead on what is 100 percent in your control, which would be your emotions. For example, it might be tempting to get angry when rainy weather cancels your plans to go hiking. But since you can’t control the weather, just accept it and find something else to do in the meantime.

7. Challenge Negative Thoughts

Poor emotional reactions can sometimes stem from the negative thoughts that enter our minds. These negative thoughts can lead to increased anxiety, stress, and anger, which can often boil over at the worst times. In fact, research has shown that constantly thinking in a negative light is a significant cause of depression, particularly among women. 

Proper emotional control means not letting these negative thoughts dominate you. Instead of letting negative thoughts run rampant, challenge them by replacing them with affirmations and positive self-talk. Let that positivity become your new way of thinking. As you do so, you’ll be able to respond in an emotionally stable and constructive way.

8. Practice Self-Care

Think about a time when you’ve been sick or especially tired. Was it more difficult to keep your emotions in check? The answer is most likely “yes.” When you practice self-care, you ensure you’re getting enough sleep, eating healthy meals, and adopting an exercise routine. Doing these things helps you have the health and energy you need to master your emotions and remain firmly in control at all times.

9. Focus on What Matters

It’s easy to get caught up in the here and now. A current problem may feel like a crisis you must solve or face catastrophic failure. During these times, it’s important to take a step back and focus on what really matters. Is the problem you’re facing really all that important in the long run? Is it something you’ll even think about one, two, or six months from now? Answering these questions truthfully will help you gain perspective and realize that an issue might not be something to get worked up over. When you do this, you’ll be in a better position to manage your emotions.

10. Improve Your Communication Skills

Poor communication may also contribute to bad emotional responses. Have you ever gotten upset at someone for misunderstanding something you said? It’s possible you simply didn’t communicate what you intended effectively. The communication skills you may want to improve can be many things. Perhaps you want to work on your word choice, tone of voice, eye contact, body language, or more. Decide what part of your communication can get better and work on it. You’ll likely find that fewer misunderstandings occur, meaning there are fewer chances for a poor response.

11. Express Yourself at Appropriate Times

There’s a time and a place for certain emotional reactions. An appropriate emotional response in one moment would be wildly inappropriate in another moment. For example, venting to a close friend during the weekend about a coworker is usually fine. Arguing with and shouting at that coworker during the workday is not. Knowing when to express yourself is key to having appropriate responses. A little restraint and self-discipline can help you manage your emotions.

12. Remove Yourself From Toxic Relationships

“Toxic people attach themselves like cinder blocks tied to your ankles, and then invite you for a swim in their poisoned waters.”

John Mark Green

Some relationships you have may be what leads to a lack of control over your emotions. These toxic relationships are ones you need to distance yourself from if you want to regain that control. For example, you may have a toxic boss who constantly belittles and degrades you. 

Remove yourself from that situation as soon as you can. It may be difficult to find a new job or push for change, but the consequences of staying in that position may be worse in the long run. This applies to all sorts of toxic relationships.

13. Don’t Repress Your Feelings

There’s an old-school mentality that says the less desirable emotions are the ones you need to bury as much as possible. This line of thinking believes repression is an adequate strategy for controlling your emotions. However, suppressing your emotions is often a bad idea. “Bottling up emotions provides a false sense of emotional safety,” says Dr. Colleen Mullen. “There is some evidence that bottling up your emotions can lead to physical stress on the body. The stress caused to the body can lead to increased diabetes and heart disease risks.” Instead, learn to express your feelings in a constructive fashion rather than just burying them deep.

14. Channel Your Passions

“Passion is energy. Feel the power that comes from focusing on what excites you.”

Oprah Winfrey

Another effective way to regulate your emotions is by channeling your energy through hobbies or physical activity. Some people choose to use art or music as an outlet for their emotions. Others like to go running or play a sport. These are all healthy and productive ways to let off some steam at appropriate times. Otherwise, emotions may build up, only to explode at inopportune moments.

15. Talk to Someone

Are there frustrating things in your life that you can’t seem to get over? Talk to someone about it. That person can be a close friend or family member. When you talk to someone, you’re able to express all the pent-up emotions that you normally can’t demonstrate. The other person can lend a listening ear and provide support and advice when necessary. In more extreme cases, professional help may be needed. A therapist or psychiatrist will have the expertise to help you address any emotional problems you may be dealing with.

Free Yourself From Negative Emotions

Regaining emotional control over your life ultimately leads to personal freedom. Think about what your life can be like when you’re not constantly ruled by your emotions. You’re ultimately able to see things clearly and improve your decision-making. And when you do this, you create opportunities for better relationships, better jobs, improved health, and an overall happier life.

Fortunately, there are many resources out there that can help you get a better hold on your emotions. Here are a few you can check out today:

• National Institutes of Health Emotional Wellness Toolkit
• Emotional Intelligence Toolkit From HelpGuide.org
• “Great Leaders Have Control”: A Guide From SIGMA Assessment Systems

Additionally, if you want to improve your emotional intelligence in the workplace, the following article can help.

Emotional Intelligence in the Workplace: What You Should Know