How to Improve Your Relationships with the 5 Languages of Love Test

A lack of connection is the culprit behind why many relationships fail. Every person is different, so connecting deeply with them requires having an intimate understanding of what they like and need from a relationship. Having this clarity is how strong bonds can be built. Yet, people tend to focus on themselves in relationships. 

Gary Chapman, a well-known marriage counselor, director, and speaker saw these disconnects happen first-hand. Drawing from his observations, Chapman published The 5 Love Languages in 1992. The book, which became a New York Times bestseller, has since sold over 20 million copies.

In The 5 Love Languages, Chapman offers five ways in which people receive and express love: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. By categorizing forms of communication in this way, Chapman proposes that partners will be better suited to speak directly to the hearts of their loved ones, cultivating a love that lasts. 

In this article, learn the five different love languages to improve your relationships and be more effective at connecting with those in your life.

What Are the 5 Love Languages?

The five love languages serve as a guide for effectively navigating unique emotional needs for oneself and others. Understanding how to “speak” and similarly “interpret” one’s particular love language allows deeper, more meaningful relationships to develop. 

Gary Chapman observed a pattern of relationship problems during his experience working with couples as a marriage counselor. Primarily, it seemed to him that each partner had a different way of communicating love. As a result, these discrepancies caused most of their relationship problems.

With this information, Chapman developed the concept of “love languages.” Using his observations, he identified five main styles of love communication so that partners could better connect with one another. 

The 5 love languages are:

• Words of affirmation
• Quality time
• Physical touch
• Acts of service
• Receiving gifts

1. Words of Affirmation

Expression of love through words, whether it is praise, compliments, appreciation, or acknowledgment, is a form of words of affirmation. This love language suits those who prefer to receive love through verbal encouragement.

What words of affirmation look like:

• Verbal encouragement and support
• Frequent communication
• Regular compliments
• Frequent “I love you’s” and notes of appreciation

How to put this into practice:

• Leave love notes
• Send encouraging text messages
• Share uplifting quotes (like stoicism quotes) or sources of inspiration
• Tell the person you love and appreciate them

2. Quality Time

If someone’s primary love language is quality time, they feel most cared for when their partner makes an effort to spend uninterrupted one-on-one time with them. Whether together doing an activity, grabbing a meal, or just talking on the couch, the quality time love language is about devoted attention. According to YouGov America, quality time is the most common love language among U.S. adults. 

Quality time looks like:

• Practicing active listening
• Leaning into things the person says and does; focusing on them
• Spending time doing something together, like cooking or exercising

How to put this into practice:

• Maintain eye contact when speaking with them
• Put your cell phone on silent when you’re with the person
• Avoid engaging in any distractions or interruptions that come up

3. Physical Touch

Physical touch as a love language is when receiving physical signs of affection makes a person feel most cared for. For them, physically feeling the presence and warmth of another is a form of deep connection. The physical touch love language can be a powerful form of expression.

Physical touch looks like:

• Hugs
• Being held
• Holding hands

How to put this into practice:

• Give hugs more often
• Spend time close to one another 
• Use playful moments and activities as opportunities for physical contact

4. Acts of Service

This love language means that what you value most in a relationship is when someone helps you. Meaningful acts of service can be small gestures like bringing you a cup of coffee or researching information. It also includes larger actions such as making dinner after a long day. For those with acts of service as their primary love language, these often overlooked actions mean the world.

Acts of service look like:

• Small gestures of kindness
• Pitching in when and where needed
• Doing things to make your partner’s life easier

How to put this into practice:

• Make soup when the person is sick
• Fix something that is broken
• Pick up groceries or dry cleaning

5. Receiving Gifts

When someone uses their time, money, and effort to carefully select a gift for another, that communicates love. For those whose primary language is receiving gifts, it’s these moments that craft the strongest bonds. For them, it’s not about how much money was spent. It’s the fact that someone thought of them enough to pick an item out that reflects how they feel. 

Receiving gifts looks like:

• Surprising another with unexpected gifts
• Giving something of value to show appreciation
• Fixing or restoring something they love

How to put this into practice:

• If they love music, surprise them with tickets to a concert
• Pick up a dessert your partner likes on your way home from work
• If they have a ton of unframed pictures, buy them a framed photo collage

How to Find Your Love Language

Finding your love language is a matter of discerning which types of actions make you feel most cared for. You can take a 5 languages of love test, one of many that are available for determining your love language, but listed below is a quick way to get a snapshot of it. Mark an “X” next to each of the statements below that resonate with you the most. The category with the most marks best represents your love language. Think of this as a taste of what you can expect on a 5 love languages test.

Words of Affirmation

• You feel deeply touched when receiving a compliment or praise, particularly if it’s unexpected.
• Hearing “thank you” from your partner in exchange for doing something kind is incredibly affirming.
• You love hearing “I love you” as often as possible.

Quality Time

• It matters a lot to you to have uninterrupted one-on-one time.
• You feel deeply connected with a partner who doesn’t cancel plans and prioritizes you.
• Creating new memories and experiencing things together creates a closer bond.

Acts of Service

• You feel most taken care of when someone offers to help you and relieve some burden.
• Small, simple gestures like bringing you a cup of coffee mean the world to you.
• You prioritize actions over words; seeing your partner make deliberate efforts to help is deeply connecting.

Receiving Gifts

• Receiving a gift from someone means they were thinking of you, and that’s the best feeling.
• Gifts are important ways of honoring sentimental moments and shared experiences.
• It’s not about the money spent; receiving a gift makes you feel the most seen, loved, and appreciated.

Physical Touch

• You feel most loved when cuddled up with your partner.
• Forms of public affection make you feel the most loved and wanted.
• Hugs, kisses, and holding hands is the highest form of emotional connection.

The Benefits of Knowing the 5 Types of Love Language 

“You have to know how you want to be loved, how you want to be treated, what are the things you value . . . and I don’t think a lot of people really know what it is that they want in relationships, and this is really the start.”

stephanie lyn

Knowing your love language and that of others by taking a love language types test can be incredibly powerful for having successful relationships and friendships. When the different love languages are understood, words and actions can be better expressed in a way that resonates most closely with how a person feels loved. This ensures that someone receives love in a way that is unique to them, allowing a relationship to flourish. For many, a healthy, flourishing relationship is extrinsic motivation enough for integrating the different love languages. 

Other benefits of knowing the list of love languages:

• Cultivates empathy: Understanding and relating to the feelings of another fosters a greater sense of empathy within yourself. This is because recognizing that others’ needs may differ from yours creates space to better conform and connect. 
• Promotes self-awareness: Self-awareness, a facet of emotional intelligence, is bolstered when the unique ways in which you feel loved are deeply understood. When you know your love language, you can better advocate for what you need. 
• Promotes social awareness: Social awareness is another facet of emotional intelligence that improves by learning another’s love language. By understanding how others may interpret certain words and actions, your ability to “read the room” and discern subtle social cues strengthens. 
• Improves communication: Embracing your love language is a form of open communication that works by leaning into vulnerability and truth. By getting curious and clear about the way you and others receive love, you become better able to articulate what’s needed and also anticipate the needs of others.

Criticisms of the Love Language Theory

In 2007, about 15 years after The 5 Love Languages was published, two scientists set out to test relationship satisfaction among couples. Some of the couples interviewed had similar love languages while others had mismatched ones. While 76% of partners could accurately determine their partner’s love language, the scientists uncovered another insight: knowing one’s love language seemed to hold no actual bearing on relationship success.

“The outcomes of this study suggest the effectiveness of Chapman’s model may be dependent on both spouses exhibiting appropriate self-regulatory behaviors,” the study cites. 

Additional criticisms involve people’s approach to using the love languages, often weaponizing them or seeing them as quick fixes to larger problems. As Linda Carroll, M.S., LMFT, explains in MBG Relationships, “When we turn the love languages into an exercise in scorekeeping, it just becomes yet another addition to the ongoing issue many couples face about who does more overall for the relationship.”

With this in mind, a love character test shouldn’t be treated as pure, unbiased truth. Simply look at a love language quiz as a fun start to exploring ways to help you connect with others.

Love Languages Are a Two-Way Street

“Communication in a relationship is huge. In fact, having poor communication is one of the biggest reasons why couples break up.”

maya maria brown

Knowing our love language types and the languages of others can provide many benefits. However, if only one person seeks to understand their own love language and not another’s, or if a partner doesn’t also seek this knowledge, problems may still occur. This is because if the love language concept isn’t supported by mutual behavior change and communication, knowing the five love languages can be about as useful for a relationship as knowing the astrology signs. Both sides need to feel loved.

“Research shows that if you and your partner spend 10 minutes a day talking about something other than work, the kids, your chores around the house, or your relationship, things could be so much better,” says relationship expert Maya Maria Brown.

Tips for putting the love languages into action:

• Read The 5 Love Languages with another and share and compare findings.
• Set personal development goals for tailoring your expression of love to match others’ love languages.
• Practice journaling to record your feelings and document your growth.

Continue strengthening your relationships by reading “4 Ways to Increase Emotional Intelligence for Personal Success.”